Perfectionism: A disposition to feel that anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
The following email was sent to me by Linda, a member of our website:
|
|
“Once again, for no apparent reason, this morning I was feeling nervous and depressed. I suspect that my belief to be perfect in order for me to feel happiness is the cause of it. Yet, every day there are so many variables to try accomplish perfection that it is impossible to achieve. Still, when I have driven myself hard to Perfectionism I discovered that the resulting happiness lasts for ten seconds and then I am exhausted.
“Lately, procrastination is in some way wrapped up in this physical or mental effort too. Perhaps I don’t even attempt things because I know if it is not done perfectly I will not value it at any rate. Most of my life, my critically urged drive served me to accomplish some impressive things (including opening up my own business in L.A.).
For some reason, I feel that if I don’t criticize and penalize myself then I’ll never go anywhere or do anything. Yet the truth is, right now, I’m not actually productive. There must be a different way!”….
Perfectionism, the indefinite need for perfection, can also be seen in light of an uncontrolled, obsessive disorder in examining the feelings and the repetitive thought-patterns and beliefs that are at the very root of this challenge.
Perfectionism is a form of control. The offended, critical part of us thinks that, “If I am perfect (whatever that means!) then people will like me, love me, look up to me, approve of me, pay attention to me, or validate me. Then I will feel worthy. I can manipulate how people feel about me by being perfect.”
The need to control how people feel about us comes from making others Being the agent for defining our worth. The assumed belief is that if someone likes you, then you are worthy, and so you can be happy. But, as Linda said, “the resulting happiness last about ten seconds and I am exhausted.” Perfectionism is exhausting and the good feelings are very ephemeral.
In addition, getting to be perfect in order to gain approval frequently leads to procrastination. The fear of disapproval and failure can be so great that it stops you from taking the natural action you need to take. Judging yourself to stimulate yourself to do things “perfectly” often backlashes, leading to paralysis rather than creativeness and productivity, as it has with Karen.
Linda states that, “There must be another way!” There is, indeed, another way – a much better way to achieve.
When you choose to define your own worth rather than handing that all important responsibility to others, you will cease worrying about what others believe and feel about you. The problem is that, for most of us, our parents and other adults defined our worth when we are young. Of course we saw adults as having the authorization to do that. As we grew older, we granted our peers the authority to define us. But at some point, we need to shift from others having the authority to define our worth to our own higher, wise self or spiritual counsel having the authority.
In addition, we need to shift from shaping our worth based on extrinsic qualities to our worth being based on intrinsic soul qualities. As long as your worth is established on execution, you will worry about results. But when your worth is based on your intrinsic qualities of caring, compassion, goodness, empathy, and joy, then it is never on the line involving your performance.
This will free you to create and produce with freedom and joy, knowing that you can make all the slips in the world and still be worthy. Perfection and perfectionism never comes into the picture when your performance is a joyful expression of your intrinsic worth, rather than of the controlling form; what others think and feel about you.
When you open to seeing your true, intrinsic worth, and embrace the beauty and marvel of your beautiful essence, you will stop thinking about perfection, and you will stop thinking about performance and what others think about you. You will know that you are already “perfect” in your essence, and that there is nothing to prove.
When you know your worth as intrinsic instead of based on your performance, life becomes so much easier and less exhausting. Instead of your addiction to perfection freezing you, you are free to fully express yourself and demonstrate your gifts and talents. Expressing yourself creatively and fruitfully becomes fun rather than dread!
The greatest gift anyone suffering from perfectionism can give themselves is self-acceptance.
Perfectionism, perfection, obsessive behavior
Click On Sitemap for Complete List of Articles
